My Not Quite A Planning Blog Post!

(Disclaimer: this post has little to pertain to geography or planning, sorry! But it's my blog, so simultaneously I don't care)

Everyone should really watch this movie

Yesterday, I watched the movie Love, Simon. To say I feel like I watched a reenactment of my own life feels like an understatement. The film follows the senior year of Simon, a shaggy brown-haired teenager from the suburbs of Atlanta. He likes to wear hoodies. He enjoys dabbling in film production and works on his school play's set. He has a great group of friends and knows pretty much everyone in his community. His mom is a powerful feminist, his dad is an all-American guy. His family life is sound, he hangs out with his friends every day, and drives through ATL in his used car. He loves his dog, watches t.v. with his family in the evening, and likes iced coffee.

The only caveat is that he's gay.

From there you watch his story unwind. You follow him along to his first time getting drunk at a Halloween party, late nights at Waffle House, his homecoming game experience, and the climax: his coming out.

Like any Hollywood movie, things don't go according to plan and you watch his life descend into chaos from public humiliation to losing everything dear to him. Some things he was at fault for while other things he cannot help but endure. And spoiler alert! in the end, everything settles out and he graduates high school and lives happily ever after.

Unlike Simon, I didn't come out my senior year. I waited until high school was over and even then it took several pints in a club in Galway for me to "discover" my sexual awakening.

^it's going to be a no from me St. Monica's! 

I don't know why I lived in such denial of myself for so long. I remember sitting through Catholic confirmation class in front of the Eucharist praying to God and asking him repeatedly, "Why don't you love gays, why don't you love gays, why don't you love gays?" I remember sitting in sullen silence as the priest shared with us that gay people weren't the devil, just diseased. One boy (who was clearly heterosexual in fact) choose to stand up and defend the LGBTQ+ community. He called the priest out for his bullshit and abruptly left the class. To this day, I wish I had the guts to join him instead of following through on a confirmation to an entity that thoroughly disgusts me.

I remember having dreams about males. I also remember the confusion and disgust at myself for having fantasized about such things. I was supposed to like girls, marry an intelligent, beautiful lady, find a white-picket fence bungalow in Grant Park, and have two children. There were no other options because that would be an acknowledgement of my true self.

I had one trial run with dating girls. I remember the excitement and build up to it and then asking her out. The whole experience was exhilarating. But then suddenly after the build up and exhilaration, something went missing in my heart. Now, I understand that the physical attraction never existed even if I really, really liked her personality. But back then, I was only confused, and the dating never materialized after that.

Love my second home❤

The day that Ireland democratically voted to legalize gay marriage, I was thrilled. I didn't even know this sort of thing was possible but it happened. I grabbed my outrageously large green hat I wore every St. Patrick's Day and took a picture hugging my dog. When the United States legalised marriage, the rainbow flag remained on my Facebook profile picture for months after. Despite all of this though, I lived in denial, refusing to accept the possibility of me liking other guys.

Towards the end of my senior year, a "horrible" rumor was started in my school year that I was gay. Everyone all of sudden was talking about me being gay. Like Simon, the horror hit me. This was not how it was supposed to happen. I wasn't gay or if I was I just didn't know what I liked (I had never kissed anyone before so). I denied it, told everyone that it a malicious fallacy, but it seemed that no one really believed me. And deep down in my heart, I don't think I believed myself. But this goes beyond the fact that Spencer Mull should not have spread this rumor. It was never his truth or lie to spread. It should've been mine. To credit my best friend Kaitlin Jacobson during the sacred moment of silence, she called him out in the dead quiet of their first period for his actions. I can't remember exactly what she said but it goes along the gist that it wasn't his tale to tell and then she turned it on him and called him gay I think. (Nothing like scaring off the heteros then by calling them gay!) 

Of course, this wasn't the first time I had been accused of being gay. I remember even in seventh grade, two football players were talking to the cute girls I sat with at lunch. While I was chatting to someone else, they had an entire conversation about my gayness. While the football players were convinced I was gay, the girls backed me up the whole time. To credit Melanie Mollard and McKay Culberson, they said that I wasn't gay if I hadn't come out and even if I was, why the fuck would it matter anyway. It had nothing to do with them.

One of the most touching parts of the film was after Simon came out to his family, and his mom (aka Jennifer Garner) had a candid conversation with him. She mentioned how when he came out to his family, he immediately followed it with, "but I am still me."

I said the exact same thing.

Simon's mom precedes to say that now after holding his breath for so long, for capping things up, for shutting feelings off, for closing himself down, he was free. Of course, he was still himself but now he could live his fullest life. And while there will be hard times and harsh comments, nothing could take away his freedom.

Jennifer Garner is the mom every LGBTQ+ child needs

I too am free. I am free and very gay. This doesn't take away from who I am. I still love late night Waffle House with Joe and Kaitlin. I still love drives with Delo and Kaitlin through Atlanta. I am still the same boy that got wasted at Ashley's ugly sweater party for the first time. Still the same kid who made the carriage for the Sleeping Beauty set, same guy who edited videos for fun in high school. Same guy who made varsity state cross country for three years. Still have a feminist mother, all-American dad, an amazing group of friends, and an affinity for bubble tea. I still want to run a lot, study hard, and excel at my life.

But since coming out, I can live my life without fear. And while being true to who I am is not easy and it is not an overnight journey (lots of shortcomings and failures, trust me:/) it feels good.