The Audacity of Truth

This blog post will not pertain to planning related issues.

Dr. Ford at her Senate Committee Hearing over her sexual assault

Dr. Ford did something that most of us can't do. She told the truth. It seems like an innately easy thing to do. I mean speaking the truth, it should come easy!

But it does not.

Dr. Ford did not want to rehash the events of her sexual assault. I do not know her personally but I can guarantee that she did not want to do this. That is why I admire her so much: simply for speaking out.

First, she had to admit this truth to herself. I mean think about it: would you be able to own your sexual assault like she did? If it were me, I would shut the memory out, lock it away, and hide the ugly scar. The hardest part of speaking the truth has to be self acceptance.

Second, she had to sit in front of millions of people and speak her truth. She had to sit through intense questioning as white men tried to invalidate her. She had to remain calm and collected as she spoke about the events of her assault. She couldn't even flinch as white men recounted step-by-step this most horrible of nights. It is astounding to even write what she did; Dr. Ford is a heroine.

Third, she now has to listen to people deny her truth because they can't swallow the evil that she herself had to come to terms with. And I can't even blame those people because accepting sexual assault as a daily event is a hard pill to swallow. But it does not make it any less a reality.

Recently, I met this bizarre boy at a club (this is happy story don't worry people). It was at one of these cool, suave, new-agey clubs that Dublin has to offer. I was really feeling myself that night too which was great. And then out of nowhere this boy comes and starts asking me extremely personal questions about who I am, my sexuality, my personal life, my own issues! I mean like c'mon, the audacity of this random boy, people!!! Caught up in the flurry of questioning, I answered truthfully but I was suddenly tired for what felt like no reason. He asked me questions that I normally just shove away and don't think about. Of course, I returned the rapid fire questioning to him, but he answered them so honestly and bluntly too! It was remarkable for some uncanny reason. 

I was really put off. My mood had suddenly shifted from "party" to "time for bed." The rest of the night was bust for me. I couldn't express interest in other guys, drink couldn't lighten my mood, and even dancing just felt pathetic. The truth hurt to listen to regardless if it were mine or his. The next day I compartmentalized that boy into the too abrasive/forget asap part of my brain. But of course, I kept thinking about the conversation because there was truth in it. Looking back, while the conversation was certainly invasive, it was also so refreshing to hear.

That's why the truth is audacious. Dr. Ford was audacious to speak her truth to the world because it was hard to hear. This boy was audacious to simply be frank and honest in public. We so rarely speak truthfully nowadays that when we do, it comes across as crazy or wild or invalid. It shouldn't be this way though.   

Senior year of high school, I suffered from major depression, almost attempted suicide, and was committed to a mental hospital. This is my audacious truth. For three years, I've kept it locked away; only a small group of people was privy to this part of my life. I had lost all value in myself and whenever I looked inward, I could only find faults with myself. I felt no joy in life and could find no reason for going on. It culminated in an event where I almost ran out of high school and onto the road where a car or bus could takeaway the inner pain that was wracking at me. Luckily, I was stopped before running out. Following the incident, I went to a mental hospital for five days where I can confirm to everyone reading this that mental healthcare is fucked. Eventually, I was able to see a psychiatrist and counselor privately who were able to help me.

Most people see me as a put-together young man that is involved, happy, and proud but this is a facade I built up from years of denying my own self-evident truths. I am no superman. In 2016, these truths came crashing down on me and I've been struggling to accept everything ever since.

But if Dr. Ford can speak her truth to the world, then I can too.   

This blog post isn't a cry out for help; at the moment, I am doing okay although I still struggle with depression. Instead this post is my truth. My hope is that you read it and understand the importance of listening. Listen to females! Listen to queer people! Listen to people of colour! Just fucking listen! Why? Because the audacity of truth is an oxymoron. The truth is the truth. It is an unquestionable statement. When we stop denying it, only then can we begin to accept each other rather than letting all the bullshit get in the way.